Something for the Festive Board

How many times have you been asked to do a toast and  have wanted to include a few jokes ? Well in case your stuck here are a few tried and tested ones...   ***** Three Master Masons met and were talking over conditions at their Lodges. The first Master said, "You know, since summer started, I've been having trouble with mice in my Lodge. I've tried everything - noise, cat's spray - nothing seems to scare them away. The second Master said, "Yeah, my Lodge too. There are hundreds of them living in the Lodge basement. I've set traps and even called in an expert exterminator. Nothing has worked so far." The third Master said, "I've had the same problem. So I initiated all mine and made them members of the Lodge. Haven't seen one of them since." **** Whilst visiting a newly initiated brother at home one day, his wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving very strange since joining. I enquired in what way? He locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to himself with his little blue book. As the evening proceeded I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how he was getting on. Oh fine was his reply. I asked him about his behaviour and was there any thing wrong No was his reply. So why read the book there? Well he said "Its the only TYLED room in the house".... **** A Candidate for initiation was to be picked up and driven to the Lodge, but before this could happen the car broke down. The Candidate said as no great distance was involved he would go on his bicycle. Just when he reached the top of the hill his chain broke. As the Lodge was at the bottom of the other side and all he needed was a back-pedal brake, so he repaired the chain with a cord he had in his pocket and free-wheeled downhill to the Lodge. Later that evening in reply to a toast in his honour, he said how proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had told no one, how the WM knew that he had come on his own free wheel and a cord. **** Bro John and Bro Mike are getting dressed and ready for a lodge meeting. When John takes his apron out of the case, Mike notices a pair of silk stockings unrolling and hanging out of the case. Mike asks: *I say, John, what's this with the ladies stuff ?* John gives a quick look and whispers: *You remember the installation meeting last year ?* Mike acknowledges and John goes on: *Keep it a secret, but on the way home I stopped at the pub on where I met this lovely female. Apparently she lost her stockings in my car, and my wife found them. I told her I was passed to a higher degree, and ever since she takes 'm out of the case washes them and puts them back in with my gloves **** There's a man, walking down the street at 1 in the morning and he's very drunk. A policeman stops him and asks: Where are you going in that condition? Man: I'm on my way to a lecture on Freemasonry. Officer: Where can you possibly get a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of night? Man: From my wife, when I get home! **** It seems that another Mason, Master of his Lodge, went to Heaven and met with St. Peter. He identified himself as a member of the Craft and St. Peter asked, "What Lodge?" Proudly the Master replied, "Old Adage Lodge #1." St. Peter immediately took him to the Masonic Clock Room. The Master, in puzzlement, looked around the room which was filled with clocks. Each clock had a Lodge's name on a brass plate and, strangely enough, each clock was at a different time. He asked why and St. Peter informed him that the hands only moved when someone in that Lodge made a mistake in the Ritual. The Master then asked where his Lodge's clock was as he couldn't see it. St. Peter replied, "Why, it's in the kitchen, of course." "The kitchen," said the Master? "Yes, you see, we needed a new fan." **** Q: How many Masons does it take to unscrew a lightbulb? A: It's a secret! **** Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the previous lightbulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain about the way they USED to screw in lightbulbs. **** How many Masons does it take to change a lightbulb? After much research this tricky question can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows: 2 to complain that the light doesn't work. 1 to pass the problem to either another committee, Temple Board or Master of the Lodge. 3 to do a study on light in this Lodge. 2 to check out the types of lights the Knights of Columbus use. 3 to argue about it. 5 to plan a fund-raising dinner to raise money for the bulb. 2 to complain that "that's not the way we did it before." 1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it. 1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed. **** A new initiate returns home to his wife who is naturally curious to know what went on. The conversation goes soemthing like this. She) Well how'd it go ? He) Very well - most interesting She) What did go on ? He) I'm not really sure if I can tell you about it. She) Well is there anything you *can* tell me ? He) well it seems there are 3 classes of men in the Lodge -walkers, talkers and Holy men. She) What do they do - if you can tell me ? He) The walkers walked me around the lodge. The Talkers talked to me and to the walkers as I was led around .... She) and the Holy men ? what of them ? He) They seem to be a special class of men - all in dark blue and gold aprons and gauntlets. They just sit on the benches around the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly - "Oh My God Oh My God !" **** A Brother was driving home after a Lodge meeting, and a festive board which had consisted on many takings of wine. Sure enough a blue light followed the car, and he pulled over to the side of the road. Thinking that the policeman might be a Freemason, he placed his driving licence and insurance documents in his ritual book. When the police officer asked for his driving licence he made a great play of taking it from his ritual book, but the policeman made no reaction whatsoever. The same with his insurance documents. He was then asked to blow into the breathalyser which proved positive. He gave the sign of distress, which was ignored. The policeman started to write notes in his pocket book. At this point, the Brother was needing to go to the toilet, so asked the Police Officer if he could retire to the bushes in order to restore himself to his personal comforts. The officer replied "Certainly sir, and on your return, I shall read to you a charge....."